


Orientation Memo

by chasingkerouac



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Humor, Workplace, Workplace Humor, challenge: documentation, ladies looking out for ladies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-28
Updated: 2006-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:09:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingkerouac/pseuds/chasingkerouac
Summary: Kate takes it upon herself to send a memo to the incoming female personnel to help them get acquainted with the many interesting men they'll work with at Atlantis. And Laura helps to fill in the gaps.





	Orientation Memo

January 28, 2006  
  
**MEMORANDUM:**  #20060128-03  
  
**TO:**  Sergeant Kelly Barker, USMC; Lieutenant Ann Bernstein, USAF; Sergeant Amanda Fields, USMC; Dr. Luann Edwards, Botany; Dr. Lisa Elligson, Medicine; Dr. Clair Gaudellet, Medicine; Dr. Moira Inverness, Engineering; Dr. Rashida Hashim, Engineering; Dr. Sejal Patel, Engineering.  
  
**FROM:**  Dr. Kate Heightmeyer, Clinical Psychologist, Atlantis Base   
  
**SUBJECT:**  New Female Personnel Orientation Guide 

* * *

  
WELCOME  
I want to personally welcome each of you to the Atlantis expedition. By the time you receive this memo, you should be en route to the city via the  _Daedalus_. This should be the third memo in the information packet provided to you by the SGC. The first was an official welcome and informational memo provided by Dr. Elizabeth Weir, commander of this expedition. The second was provided by the supervisor of your individual departments. The third serves as an unofficial guide to help welcome our incoming female staff into this highly unusual mission.  
  
MILITARY  
To say that this is an unusual situation would be an understatement, and for those not acquainted with the Stargate program prior to this mission, it’s wise to remember that this program attracts a very  _interesting_  breed of men for your co-workers and commanding officers. Some that you will have frequent contact with include, but are not limited to:  
  
\- _Lt. Col. Sheppard, USAF_ : Military commander for the Atlantis expedition. Laid back, slightly quirky… as long as you don’t blow up anything or get inhabited by anything that you shouldn’t, most women find him enjoyable to work with. A word of caution – yes, it seems like he’s flirting with you. No, he really isn’t. It’s his default setting. It’s easier just to go with it.  
\- _Major Lorne, USAF_ : If you have questions concerning your off-world expeditions, Col. Sheppard’s expeditions, the whereabouts of expedition members or other general inquiries, Major Lorne is the man to see. I was also instructed to inform you that dancing, home-baked cookies, and picnics on the balcony are turn-ons, and people who assume he’s a Marine are turn-offs.  
\- _Ronon Dex_ : Pegasus Galaxy resident we ‘adopted’. Sudden movements around him are discouraged. If you have further questions, please contact Teyla Emmagen.   
  
MEDICINE  
Probably the sanest department in the city, and yes that is said with a touch of professional bias. Although I stand by it and can give you a list of others who would agree.   
  
The man with the plan in the medical department is the Chief Medical Officer,  _Dr. Carson Beckett_. He’s normally mild-mannered, calm, and organized. However, if you are sent to the Infirmary during a particularly stressful time, you may find him easily exasperated, however profusely apologetic afterwards. It’s best not to disturb him when his office door is closed – he’s hopefully getting sleep.  
  
I’ve also been instructed to remind you that however appealing you find his accent, he is spoken for and don’t even try it.   
  
SCIENCE/ENGINEERING  
This department, without a doubt, is probably the most trying department on Atlantis. The personalities you’ll face here can make even the most patient woman lose her cool, but just remember that you’re not alone and that those of us who have previous experience in the city understand your frustration.   
  
The biggest personality challenge you will face will be the Chief Science Officer,  _Dr. Rodney McKay_. I’m sure you’ve heard stories by now, and while most of them are both fantastical and frightening, I can assure you that they are either completely true or understated. No matter how close to the top of your field you were on Earth, you will be belittled, mocked, referred to by derogatory names and considered nothing more than a pretty play thing. However, do not feel discouraged -  **everyone**  male or female is treated the same way. He’s brilliant, but trying to work for.  
  
If you have questions concerning ongoing projects, a better resource would be  _Dr. Radek Zelenka_. That is, unless you’re masochistic. In which case, we should talk.  
  
CLOSING  
The male personalities of the Atlantis expedition are certainly trying, but with a little careful handling and selective confrontation, these problems should be fewer than were faced by the original personnel.   
  
If you have questions concerning your particular departments, the following women are happy to help.   
  
Lt. Cadman, USMC & Teyla Emmagen  
Drs. Biro & Heightmeyer, Medicine  
Drs. Brown, Kusanagi & Simpson, Science/Engineering  
  
Please contact me if you have any further concerns. And believe me – we’ve all been there. Nothing surprises us anymore.  
  
Dr. Kate Heightmeyer

* * *

  
ADDENDUM:  
  
Ladies,  
  
Okay, so Kate covered an awful lot in her memo but there are certain things that she can’t include but I’ve had Dr. Lindsay Novak attach once the  _Daedalus_  left port. Another quick set of suggestions and little tidbits that you’ll find both interesting and helpful.  
  
1\. The Infirmary will tell you that the painkillers are on ration. This is only true for the men. Most of them make stupid comments around the nurses and they’ve decided collectively to make a bunch of them suffer for their stupidity. If you need something, Lt. Vickers, the head nurse, will supply it at the end of her shift.  
2\. Make sure that you get to the mess at the beginning of meals. If you don’t, McKay will get there and there will be no food left. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  
3\. On McKay, his bark is totally worse than his bite. Just smile and say ‘Laura told me about you’ and you’ll screw with him so bad that he’ll forget what he was yelling at you for. This only works twice, so use them wisely.  
4\. Simpson discovered a way to brew something akin to moonshine and this is distributed through Ladies Poker Night.  
5\. Ladies Poker Night is held every Thursday night at 2100 in Dr. Heighmeyer’s office. Currency is sugar, extra points if you somehow stole it from McKay. And don’t bet high if Weir has found a way into the game – she’s a shark and she has no qualms with breaking you.  
6\. If you need anything not quite regulation shipped to Atlantis, inform Dr. Lindsay Novak aboard the  _Daedalus_. She’ll make it happen. She’s slicker than she seems.  
7\. Major Lorne controls the city’s Xbox and PSP2 and is always looking for fresh competition.   
8\. Since there are so few of us, it’s amazing what a down hair do and a bit of an unzipped shirt will get you. Seriously.  
  
These are just a few suggestions. There are plenty more where that came from but there’s no memo long enough to warn you about  **everything**  that you could possibly need. They didn’t tell you you were signing up for an adventure for nothing.   
  
Best of luck, and I’ll see you at Poker Night. Bring Reese’s Cups.  
  
Laura Cadman  
  
PS: Kate wasn't kidding about Carson being spoken for. I don't share well. Just warning you.


End file.
